Healthy Communication Exercises
I suggest some practice sessions with a few simple guidelines. Complex drills only add to the confusion and frustration of partners. Each person should practice using the statement, "I feel _______ when you ____," (fill in blank). Feelings are defined as simple words that describe a correlating physical reaction within the body.
For instance, fear is experienced by butterflies in the stomach. Anger is accompanied by tight muscles and pressure in the head. Hurt shows in a sad face and a sinking sensation in the gut. Individuals feel confused when it is hard to decide the meaning of certain sensations. Checking with bodily sensations is a useful tool for identifying feelings.
The usual statement used by people starts with, "I feel like you____", then an attitude (don’t like me) fills the blank. This is expressing a thought, not a feeling and is received as accusation. “I feel like,” is the same as saying “I think you…” This is a sure formula for a fight.
I ask couples to avoid defensive behavior. Observing behavior to understand feelings requires mind reading and is usually wrong. This futile exercise amounts to guessing. Expression of true feelings is the highest level of vulnerability. Emotional vulnerability will lead to empathy for each other rather than disgust. Connection can occur in the midst of mutual emotional pain.
Try inviting your partner into your pain and conflict rather than spewing accusation at he or she. Such a request is asking each of you to take a big risk. It requires desire and hope for a better future. It requires risking that your partner wants good things for you. Try these exercises if you have hope of positive things to come. I hope it is true for all of you.
